- Betrayal in a Red Suit
- Several Badly Startled Men
- I am a Hooliganism Consultant
YAKUZA DAIRIES – VOLUME ZERO
Chapter 1 – Bound by Oath.
Part 2.
I am Kiryu, I fight street people with bicycles. Not street people on bicycles; I have a bicycle and I hit them with it. They are bicycle-adjacent street people at a rapidly diminishing distance.
I have been wearied by these struggles, but after eating my body weight in sushi and purchasing 16 bottles of stimulants, I am ready to track down this loan shark like a jittery and faintly rattling spirit of sexy vengeance.
TO BUSINESS. I have been framed for a specific murder, unrelated to the clearly life-changing events I have dished out to no fewer than a dozen gangs of enthusiastic felons while out shopping for rice, fish and drugs. While my mugshot would be a gift to the fashion world I must decline the opportunity and seek justice.
After much searching, and following my detectoring instincts, and being directly told where to go and following the giant pink arr-
THE LOAN SHARK’S ADDRESS, I AM IN IT.
DEPLOY DIPLOMACY FISTS.
[…]
THIS HAS NOT WORKED OUT AS EXPECTED.
I have hit many mens, but not the specific loans mans. I have instead spoken at length with an old man who wanted to smoke and discuss real estate. I think we have met before but it was probably a long time ago. I am beautiful in my outraged confusion.
I LEAVE, my name still dirtied but my skin immaculate.
I have had a troubling discussion with my friTRAITOR?!end Nishiki. Friend Nishiki. Not Traitor Nishiki. I cannot prove my innocence of this specific murder while I remain a yakuza, so I must go hand in my notice. Friend Not Traitor Nishiki thinks if I do this I will be MOIDERD and he is strongly against it. He offers me a lift.
squint
[In other news I have an itchy back and he has offered to help with an assortment of knives.]
I speak at length with an old man who wants to smoke and discuss real estate. He seems familiar, I think we have met before but it was probably a long time ago. He does not support my career decision and leaves, presumably to drink Sanatogen. I am beautiful in my outraged confu- HANG ON IT’S GONE ALL FIGHTY.
RESIGNATION FISTS, POWER UP, IT’S NOTICE TIME.
I punch the mans and I get the dosh and all is right with the world. Like majestic and unexpectedly violent ivy, my instinct is to climb; however, there is one man standing in my way. Repeatedly. Undeterred by what has to be a truly brutal treble concussion and a fractured everything, he is Weasel Faced Yakuza Terminator, and he is persistent.
[I am jump-scared and QTE’d to the extent of pushing the wrong buttons due to shrieking with laughter. I love this game.]
At this point it would be reasonable simply to leave, but my fighting ivy instincts are so mighty that when faced with a locked door I hurl myself through a nearby bathroom window just to go higher. Life finds a way, and that way is through a pane of glass and several badly startled men with wet hands and shoes.
I fight, I climb. Instinct and weaponised furnishings drive me to the peak, and I… speak at length with an old man… He seems familiar, I think we have met before but it was probably a long time ago. He does not support my career decision. I am beautiful in my outraged confu- why is he taking off his shirt.
Dann boy, he’s pretty spry. Hang on is this boss musi-WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY PUT IN SANATOGEN NOW JESUS CHRIST
[…]
THIS HAS NOT WORKED OUT AS EXPECTED. I have seen things. Many things. Also bits of things that were previously on bigger things and oh dear. I have wrestled with doubts, with my conscience, with a very shiny and surprisingly quick old man and it is all too much. I am outside now and fall to my knees in the rain, looking like the forlorn patron saint of throwing water on sexy men in white shirts. Lost and confused, I am there for an age before a mysterious businessman shelters me with a brolly and offers his hand. And a shower.
Hang on is this saxophone musi-
[…]
THIS HAS NOT WORKED OUT AS EXPECTED.
It turns out his offer of a hand was exceedingly generous giving his personal circumstances, and he only briefly stole my clothes while I showered. (I am Kiryu, and I can still intimidate mortal men even if I am clad in only a robe and fuzzy slippers. If anything my gaze intensifies, and my NANI?? fairly slays in towelling.)
I LEAVE THIS MAN. Unpunched, as he has offered help with my mission. Loose on the streets once again, unemployed but filled with new purpose, I should let TRAIfriendTOR Nishiki know I’m ok.
I will head to him immediately so he doesn’t worry about me.
Hang on, is this arcade musi-
UNTIL NEXT TIME FRIENDS.